Addiction vs Need: Is This a Passion, Habit or Desire?

Apr 25
6 min read

Is this a need, addiction, passion, habit or desire?

These are some of the many questions I ask myself as I EMBRACE the truest me. I kept asking myself — is this addiction vs need, or something deeper within me that I’m yet to fully understand?

The me beneath it all — the person I learnt to be from meeting my needs, fulfilling my addictions, chasing my desires, embracing my passions, and always following suit from the habits I learnt.

You see, in my heart, I know many things to be true. I feel so many truths within my character and the versions of myself beneath it all. But there is always one me.

And that me is me — detached from it all. Happy, content, and peaceful with life.

Addiction vs Need: Meeting My Truest Self

Earlier this year, I made a commitment to give up one of my biggest addictions: exercise.

Now, I know the pain and mental battles that come with addiction. The biggest one is the loss of identity.

For me, I used exercise as a way to validate myself, but also to deal with the massive surges of energy I get (I have endless fuel for life), and reactions I used to have to many foods.

I also found exercise at a time when I wanted to lose weight and be loved. These are all very outdated beliefs and habits and, today, I have a better grasp on trigger foods in my diet. Hence, the addiction was outdated.

I also used exercise to feel in control of life. This was an awesome ESCAPE when I had no self-esteem or self-worth, broke up with my partner, was assaulted, and hated my life.

It was, for the most part, my only joy, self-validation tool, and ESCAPE.

But that all led to me needing it (not a survival need, but a need built on pain) in life — hence, an addiction.

At the time, I wasn’t ready — and I knew it wasn’t time.

But with the changes in my routines and the desires in my heart, I knew a time had to be placed upon it for me to change.

This was six weeks ago.

And so, little by little, I mentally prepared to meet a new version of myself.

This self — a kinder, softer, more flexible woman. A woman not controlled by an outside source, but rather moved by her heart and in her heart. A woman who is content and peaceful, knowing enough is enough.

And that is the current self I am meeting.

And she’s beautiful.

Now, I share many parts here because some of the biggest questions I ask myself are these…

Can I go a day without movement?
Yes. But also, movement is one of my BIGGEST joys and passions. It delights my soul. So instead, I embrace slower movement or less time spent moving.

What about my body figure?Honestly, I love my body. And when fear arises, I know it’s external voices talking.

I also have a much BIGGER desire in my heart — babies. I want kids so much. And we all know that being too lean can cause hormonal imbalances (which I have).

So honestly, I couldn’t care two hoots about my figure — I just LOVE movement.

Exercise was my control unit.
It made me feel like I had all my shit contained. Perhaps this has been my hardest battle — allowing myself to be more messy, adaptable, and flexible.

Since dropping the need for exercise, life has become more fulfilling and safe.

But maybe the biggest joy has been the new level of human connection I am experiencing — something I yearn for deeply.

This looks like having workout buddies instead of moving alone to hit “goals,” having walk buddies instead of walking alone to tick off my steps, and prioritising catch-ups over gym time (more chill days).

Gosh, it’s gooey… and guys, I literally have the best friends and community EVER.

Now, I have walked the path of breaking addictions before, and IT IS HELL.

Because every force can come against you and tell you otherwise — but the force of your soul and your why must be STRONGER.

Your why and your truth are everything. They are the ONLY things that will get you through when all else falls away.

PERSONALLY, my whys include:

Babies one day, being the best lover, and being able to flow and adapt as a woman vs hard and rigid as a man (think in the bedroom, guys too… TMI).
Getting my hormones back in check.
Having more connection and joy.
Being an example for my loved ones. I am someone who wants to see you THRIVE, and for this to happen, I can’t do anything but be an example. And the more I THRIVE, the more I see my friends and family THRIVE.
I want to give more to society, but honestly, with an addiction, I couldn’t. It was holding me back.

For me, I also used exercise to ESCAPE reality.

The same went for chocolate, sugar, and scrolling. Because the pain of being in my life was too hard — I hated my life, so I needed to turn off.

When I gave up chocolate and sugar, I was forced to meet myself and find joy. I was forced to recreate my entire life — this time choosing.

But most importantly, I learnt to sit in temporary pain, knowing it will shift.

I also want to share something very tender to my heart.

My previous partner, whom I loved immensely, was perhaps my greatest mirror and healer.

In the final months of our relationship, I knew I wanted babies — yet I didn’t know myself without these addictions.

At the time, I thought he was causing my unhappiness, that he was the problem. Rather, I was.

I was not fully aligned, and so I needed to step away to find more parts of who I want to be when I have babies.

He was only ever a mirror, highlighting my addictions and inviting me to heal deeper.

Perhaps that’s partnership?

Me being me, I want you all to join me on the journey of breaking up with your addictions.

Not for me — but because I know YOU WILL become so much happier.

And, truthfully, a better person for you.

But honestly, I won’t lie — the breakup process is FUCKED.

For me, this looked like being SOOO CHAOTIC (my friends didn’t get clear answers as I battled addiction, habits, and truth in my mind).

I also found it difficult knowing my truly aligned actions within this new time and space.

Personally, to move through this, I meditated on the feelings connected to my TRUEST and most AUTHENTIC self.

Then I allowed myself to flow through my day, trusting my body will lead rather than my mind choosing (this is when I get confused).

And then there’s the loss of identity.

Because right now, I still wonder…

Who is Alana without weight lifting and hitting her “ideal” goals?

As I am still finding new habits, routines, and structures (yes, one month on).

I also hope I am more healthy and fabulously fertile. I am already happier — but I trust the physical results will come. It just takes a little longer.

Some more important parts to my story is… wait, where do I start or end…

Or perhaps I will leave it here.

For me, this all began when I stopped chasing the external to fulfil my needs and instead looked within to breathe my soul into fruition.

In this, I had to become the one who fulfils all my needs.

What this looked like was allowing friendships to fall away that I was seeking validation and love from — and instead, finding this within myself by stripping everything back to become the TRUEST version of me.

Now, for you — I’m never going to give you a call to action.

Because it will happen for you if it’s part of your soul’s path and truth.

If you’re addicted, embrace it. Love yourself in it.

Because this is all I ask — LOVE YOURSELF in all that you choose.

And if you don’t, then I invite you to soften around your identity… and allow yourself to choose something that feels a little more like you.

And maybe, just maybe, paint a slightly more colourful rainbow in your day — to be happier for you.

Big love, A Xx